self-love Archives - The Self-Worth Experiment

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Know your worth - The easiest way to overcome anxiety and low confidence
Sep 17

Know your worth – the easiest way to overcome anxiety and low confidence

By Dr Berni Sewell | Heal your self-worth

Never feeling good enough, no matter how hard you try, can make you feel like a fraud, ruin your self-confidence, and cause a massive amount of stress and anxiety.

And most of the time you will blame yourself. And sometimes you may even hate yourself or believe that you are a failure.

When in fact, it isn’t your fault at all.

Because your feelings of never being good enough are merely a logical, and unfortunately unavoidable, consequence of the way we were all brought up.

But there is ONE thing you can do to ban the feeling of “not good enough” from your life and finally overcome anxiety and low confidence.

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How to love and accept your flawesome Self
Jul 19

How to love and accept your flawesome Self

By Dr Berni Sewell | Love yourself

“If one more person tells me to love myself first, I am going to punch them in the face.”

I had been talking to a lovely, young man who was having trouble finding love. He told me that he couldn’t love himself if nobody else did.

And I had just suggested that his worth did not depend on whether others loved and accepted him. And that, maybe…just maybe, it was time to focus on loving himself first before he could find romance and a relationship with somebody else.

And the above was his answer.

Reading Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani’s new book “Becoming Flawesome” recently reminded me of this episode.

And I of course understand where he is coming from. Why he feels that he can’t love himself.

After all, we have been told all our lives that we must earn love and happiness. We must be deserving of it. And to become deserving of love, we must have enough worth.

And to have enough worth, we must be perfect. In every way.

Which is the main reason why we struggle so much to love and accept ourselves…

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How to stop punishing yourself for your mistakes
Sep 16

How to stop punishing yourself for your mistakes

By Dr Berni Sewell | Love yourself

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” How could I have made such a mistake?

I fought the urge to bang my head against the wall. My heart was being crushed by a furious fist. I gasped for air and wiped the tears off my cheeks.

My mind was spinning out of control, replaying the screw-up and worrying about its consequences.

I shouldn’t have told Emma that Jen’s boyfriend dumped her. It just slipped out. What if Jen told me in confidence? What if she didn’t want anybody to know?

What if Emma called Jen to offer support? Jen would know I had spilled her secret, broken her trust.
Would she be mad? Disappointed? Would she never speak to me again?

My stomach cramped and my legs felt weak. People barely tolerated me as it was. I couldn’t afford to mess up like this.

Maybe it wasn’t too late? I could call Emma and implore her not to tell Jen that I told her. Or maybe I could deny my mistake. Or somehow cover it up, or blame somebody else.

I started to panic. Why did I have to be such an idiot? Why couldn’t I just keep stuff to myself instead of blabbing it out?

No wonder people kept rejecting me. I always did and said the wrong things. I made so many mistakes.
And I had no idea what to do about that. At least not back then…

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How to feel good about yourself (without even trying)
Aug 06

How to feel good about yourself (without even trying)

By Dr Berni Sewell | Heal your self-worth

How long have you been trying to feel good about yourself? How long have you struggled to be more, become “a better version of you”? So, you can feel worthy of other people’s love and acceptance. And your own.

And for how long have you felt ashamed of yourself, disappointed in yourself because you still feel worthless? Because no matter what you try, which path you walk, how much effort you put into it, you always fail.

And even if you know, theoretically, that you ARE worth personified, it seems impossible to find your true worth in your heart. You repeat the affirmation, but it’s empty words without meaning. It’s not your reality, it doesn’t ring true. Deep down, you just cannot believe it.

Your mind keeps insisting that your only chance to ever have any worth is to work hard and sacrifice yourself to the relentless pursuit of ever more accomplishments and possessions. To be a success.
But you are never good enough.

And you try to fight it. You battle against the whispers that emanate from deep within your mind. You cling on to hope.

But the voices inside your head are getting louder, more overwhelming, undefeatable: You are worthless.

And everything else you try to tell yourself is just a pipe dream. There is nothing out there for you. Because you deserve nothing. You are nothing. And, sometimes, you hate yourself for it.

But you know what? This will sound weird but being NOTHING is exactly what you need to feel good about yourself. Let me explain…

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Why you never feel good enough (and how to change that)
Jun 18

Why you never feel good enough (and how to change that)

By Dr Berni Sewell | Heal your self-worth

For most of my life, I felt not good enough, inferior to others. And I believed that I couldn’t have what I truly desired because of it.

I yearned for a life of purpose and adventure, for excitement and extraordinary experiences. But I didn’t think I was special or brave enough.

I wanted to become a fiction writer since I was 8 years old. But I didn’t feel talented, creative or eloquent enough.

I ached to express my true Self and claim my place in this world, to just be me without apologies, doubts or fears. But I was never confident enough to pull it off, always too worried what other people would think of me.

I never felt important enough to amount to much in work and life. And I believed I was not tall or slender enough to feel good in my own body.

My entire life, I barely scraped the surface of my potential. I rarely allowed myself to shine or be me. And I always quit my dreams before I even gave them a try.

Because I thought that dreams were not for people like me. They were for better people.

And, because of that, I believed that I had to become better to finally deserve the things I desired. I obsessed about proving my worth, worked myself into the ground, adapted, distorted, exaggerated to become more special, more relevant.

But no matter what I achieved, how much I bent and faked, sacrificed myself to the obsessive pursuit of becoming a better version of myself, still I never felt good enough.

And for a long time, I resented myself for this inability to measure up. I beat myself up for being such a failure.

When it wasn’t my fault at all.

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How to practice self-love
Feb 01

How to practice self-love (with this 14-minute self-care ritual)

By Dr Berni Sewell | Love yourself

Tell me. Do you love yourself?

If your response to this question is “No” or “Uhmmm…” or a doubtful “Sometimes?” (usually accompanied by a knotting of the brows), answer me this.

Why not? Why can you not love yourself?

And that’s when your mind kicks in…
• Because I am not perfect, not good enough, not attractive, fit, wealthy enough.

• Because I am too old, too fat, too short, too lazy, stupid or selfish.

• Because my parents neglected me, my friends rejected me, my partner left me.

• Because I made too many mistakes, failed too many times, hurt too many people.

• Because I feel guilty for letting others down, am ashamed and disappointed with myself.

• Because I am single, lonely, behind in my career.

• Because I suffer from anxiety, depression or health issues.

• Because I am worthless and don’t deserve to be loved.

So many reasons to hate yourself.

But are your past mistakes really reason enough to abstain from self-love? After all, you are a different person now. You grew, evolved, make better choices.

And wouldn’t you look past other people’s flaws and shortcomings and still love them regardless? So why can’t you extend the same courtesy to yourself?

Even if nobody in this world loved you or cared for you (which is highly unlikely, by the way, no matter what your mind may tell you), wouldn’t this just be more reason to love yourself? Everybody needs love, right?

So, what’s the real reason why self-love is such a struggle for you?

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How to get
Jan 18

How to get me-time (and stop being irritable)

By Dr Berni Sewell | Love yourself

Have you ever asked yourself why you get so irritable?

When, all of a sudden, you feel so annoyed, or angry, or maybe upset that you could scream, cry. Tell everybody around you to just Fuck off.

It comes out of nowhere.

Ambushing you without warning.
One moment you think you are fine. The next you could strangle every person who wants something or dares to even talk to you.

The pressure in your chest chokes your breath and your brain screams: “Everybody just shut up!”

And it’s not like you at all.
You don’t usually snap at people. Or hurt them. You aren’t always so over-emotional or hyper-sensitive.

And you sure as hell don’t normally swear.

But, in this very moment, you can’t help it. It feels like you are possessed. It’s surreal.

And afterwards, when the short-tempered storm has passed, you feel so embarrassed. So guilty for being awful to the people in your life. For fighting with your partner, making the kids cry or causing your co-workers to retreat with this look of judgement in their disbelieving eyes.

You lost it.

Now you have to deal with the damage. And the shame.
You feel like you can’t live with yourself. You beat yourself up for being a terrible, emotionally unstable person. Lay awake at night seeking an explanation for your mood swings. Wrecking your brain.

Why do you become so irritable, out of the blue, without reason? What is wrong with you?

When the answer is: Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
You are just neglecting something essential.

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The 3 secrets to happy relationships that last
Jan 31

The 3 secret ingredients for happy relationships that last

By Dr Berni Sewell | Improve your relationships

What makes a happy relationship that lasts?

The right partner? With shared interests, passions and world views? Undying love, commitment, trust? Faithfulness, honesty, equality? The ability to communicate, overcome conflict and grow together?

All of the above? Or something else altogether?

The more people you ask, the more you’ll realise that the number of potential ingredients for a happy relationship is infinite. And none of us knows the definitive recipe for relationship bliss.

So, finding that one person to love, becomes a matter of trial and error. Mere luck at best and impossible at worst.

But still we search. Anxious to be loved, to become one with another. Find our other half, to finally be whole. And happy.

So, we stumble from one partner to the next. Trying to unearth that top-secret recipe to our “happily ever after”, we bend, distort, please. Compromise, put up, tolerate. Battling rejection, heart-ache and disappointment on the way.

Until we become disillusioned by our inability to make it work. Frustrated by our failures, furious with ourselves and the world. And we start to doubt.

Are we impossible to love? Are we destined to roam this Earth alone? Doomed to a half-life of solitude, longing and misery?

We blame our unlovable nature and incompatible partners for our unhappiness. And hate ourselves for our incompetence.

Because, despite all our struggles and sacrifices, the true recipe for a happy relationship still eludes us.

When, in fact, we are only missing 3 essential ingredients.

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