The simple reason why you never get what you want - The Self-Worth Experiment

The simple reason why you never get what you want

By Dr Berni Sewell | Discover your happiness

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Jun 08
The simple reason why you never get what you want

Read Part 2: 5 empowering steps to overcome self-sabotage (and finally get what you want)

When I was at the height of my anxiety, life was a threat. And it didn't only seem this way.

It was!

Every letter in my post box was bad news. Every train I took broke down or was delayed. Every electrical appliance I bought was faulty. And I would catch every cold that went around.

I felt stressed, terrified and victimised. Everything I touched was destined to go wrong, turn into a catastrophe or make me unhappy.

And I couldn't help but ask myself: "Why does the Universe hate me?"

Until I started to watch "The Big Bang Theory" and I realised that the Universe doesn't hate anybody. The problem is merely that the Universe behaves like Sheldon Cooper.

Let me explain.

The fascinating reality of our Sheldon Cooper Universe

Sheldon Cooper lacks any social skills, is incredibly direct and blunt and, despite his super-human intelligence, is totally naive.

In particular, he has no sense for sarcasm or cynicism. He believes what people tell him. Without questioning, without looking for a deeper meaning, hidden agenda or alternative interpretation.

And the Universe is exactly the same.

Which is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in our pursuit of happiness.

You see, the Universe loves us, unconditionally. It is devoted to all its creations and its only wish, purpose and mission is to give us everything we ask for.

Everything we want.

And that's the massive problem we face.

The tragic reason why you never get what you want

Because, while we may know what we want, low self-worth sabotages our efforts to manifest our dreams and desires. Due to a catastrophic miscommunication with the Universe.

You see, if we lack self-worth, we don't believe that we deserve happiness, a stress-free life, abundance. We feel unworthy of loving relationships or a thriving career.

We beat ourselves up, say things like "I am useless. No wonder I never get what I want. I don't deserve it. I am just too pathetic," or "Every train I ever take is delayed. I am cursed."

And the Universe listens.

But it doesn't look for a deeper meaning. It cannot understand that your anxiety disorder, self-loathing or chronic negativity are mere symptoms of low self-worth.

All it hears is "never get what I want" or "train always delayed".

And it believes that this is your deepest wish. Because you focus on it intensely. And because the Universe loves you so much, it gives you what you want.

Naively, literally, without judgement or further interpretation.

It provides you with more situations that make you feel useless, prove that you never get what you want and reinforce your core beliefs. And it will gift you with more train delays (and even a few cancellations here and there).

Not because it is cruel.

Simply because it wants to fulfill your deepest desires, the things your mind revolves around day in, day out. And it has no sense of negativity, sarcasm or self-condemnation.

It just wants to help.

How to finally get what you want

And that's why positivity, self-love and healthy self-worth are imperative if you want to get what you want. Because once you are certain that you deserve them, the Universe can provide loving relationships, worry-free finances, fulfilment and purpose.

Once you know that you ARE worth personified, regardless of your relationship status, career progression, financial situation or physical appearance, the Universe can grant your deepest desires.

Because they are no longer obscured by your habitual negativity, fear and self-punishment. And self-sabotage no longer destroys your efforts to manifest your dream life.

So read Part 2: 5 empowering steps to overcome self-sabotage to finally get what you want (and deserve).

Because you ARE worth.

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  • Ben Killoy says:

    Berni this article hit me pretty hard to be honest. We look for the gray in life to explain away what we might be not doing to drive our happiness. I just realized recently that I have relied on out sourcing my hope/self-esteem that the future will be bright. When people failed to make it brighter I found my OS blue screening and shutting down.

    Keep writing and sharing your message, it is definitely one that the world needs more of.

    • Thank you so much, Ben! And you are so right! And I love the expression “outsourcing our self-esteem and happiness”. We so often look at other people, money, our job and circumstances to “make” us feel good about ourselves, to “make” us happy. But nobody needs to gift or donate us with self-worth because it is nothing we can own, it is what we ARE. And happiness comes from knowing that we are worth no matter what! Best wishes, Berni

  • G’day Berni.

    The Universe is a funny concept for me. I love Buddhism and I was brought up Catholic. Having had 10 years recovery from alcoholism via 12 step work and Buddhadharma, I use the word God to express everybody’s idea of a Higher Power without prejudice.
    So, do you feel that ‘Universe’ is another word for God?

    Or in your cosmology is Universe and God separate and different fundamentally?

    love alwaz

    • Hello Mike, That’s a great question. I was brought up Catholic too but, as I grew up, adopted a more spiritual view of the world which is partially based on Buddhism but also on information from books and my scientific and energy healer training. How I see it, there is only one Higher Power that encompasses everything else. God is one word for it, the Universe another. I think I use the word “Universe” over the word “God” to avoid any religious implications and, because of my Catholic upbringing, I tend to associate the word God with an old, white-bearded man. In the end, all words describe the same. An all-encompassing infinite power that includes as part of it our Higher Self and consists of unlimited, unconditional love, worth, peace and balance. All the very best, Berni x

  • zara says:

    Not sure on this, I don’t have a low opinion of myself as I believe if it’s been done before it can be done again, nor do I allow people to walk over me, but what I don’t understand is that whatever I want there seems to be barriers. I put a lot of energy into something and take necessary actions, but I get back zilch. I don’t understand why this goes like this, then someone will pop up with whatever I wanted to do or have.

    • Hello Zara, I am sorry that you find yourself in a situation where it’s difficult to manifest your desires. Low self-worth doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to have a low opinion of yourself. You can think quite highly of yourself but still somewhere deep down doubt your abilities and deservedness. You may have some abundance blocks, limiting beliefs that hold you back. A typical one would be the belief “I never get what I want anyway.” The Universe will take that literally and think you want that. Start affirming: “Everything is always working out for me. I AM worth.” All the very best, Berni

  • I’ve found myself at a point that is interesting. I can remember at age 13 or so saying a prayer that I could play guitar like Jimi Hendrix. So almost 60 years later, after a master’s degree in guitar performance, a few competitions won and a career in music I can play like Jimi. I’ve figured out all the nuances and really can sound just like him. And you know what, nobody cares. I just went to jam with some youngsters and when I did “castles made of sand” they didn’t even know what it was. I feel like I’m only “allowed” to figure things out when it’s no longer lucrative. This isn’t the only instance. I have begun to feel that all life is just a gigantic cheap rip off. I guess I get what I want but it’s not what I thought it would be.

    • Hello Paul, if it counts for anything, I love Jimi Hendrix and if you can play like him that’s more than impressive. I can understand that you are disappointed that you devoted your life to something that you thought would give it worth (either through other people’s admiration or financial gain) and it didn’t work out for you. The thing is though that you don’t need to get worth through your accomplishments. If you are looking for worth and value you won’t find, no matter how hard you try. It’s not out there. It’s within you and you can tap into it anytime. You already ARE worth. All you need to get is happiness. That’s your responsibility. So, the question is, if you take away all the pressure to impress others, everything others may think (or not), does playing guitar like Jimi make you happy? If so, how could it have ever been a waste of time?

  • S. M says:

    Nobody really has the answer. Some are just more fortunate to have more than others without any big actions on their part. People like to attribute not getting what you want is down to lack of Self Worth. Not getting what you want especially if it’s something you experience a lot is enough to question and make you feel you have no self worth. It’s a messed up world.

    • Thank you so much for your comment!
      I absolutely agree. It is a vicious cycle. Low self-worth creates limiting beliefs such as “I never get what i want”, “I don’t deserve what i want” or “I’m not good enough to get what i want”. This, in turn, creates negative energy that attracts negative experiences. Which then serve to reinforce the limiting beliefs. And down it spirals, deeper and deeper into low self-worth and negativity. Until we actively break the cycle. By boosting our self-worth. We have to start somewhere, right?
      All the best, Berni

  • I had read about this subject before. Your post is very enlightening. Thanks.

  • Jason says:

    Hi Dr. Sewell,

    Thanks for the great post.

    I totall agree with your opinion that lack of self-worth is one of the resaons that we can’t get what we want.

    I was trying to build confidence with surrounding myself with positive, healthy people who acknowledge and reinforce my positive attributes as well as my contributions and who genuinely support me.

    • Hello Jason,

      I am glad to hear that you have found a way to boost your confidence and the belief that you deserve all the good the Universe has to offer. Because that’s the truth!

      All the best,

  • Smm says:

    When you first want something who really questions whether they deserve to have it or think they lack self worth, I think we doubt ourselves when after a while after the effort or energy we put in, we get either no results or little results, all I know I’ve had enough of wanting something, putting in the work and getting either a little or no results, I don’t believe I suffer from low self worth to a certain extent, I believe am just as good as the next person, but something I don’t know what or why seems to get in the way.

    • I absolutely agree! It can be beyond frustrating and demoralising when you work hard to get something but it never materialises. I liked a story that Emily Fletcher tells. Imagine, you are in a restaurant and you order the shrimp cocktail. The waiter takes the order and the chef starts to prepare. Halfway through, you decide that maybe you would prefer the pizza. The waiter takes the order, the chef tosses the almost complete shrimp cocktail away and starts on the pizza. After a little while, you wonder whether spaghetti would be better. So, the chef discards the pizza and starts on the pasta. And while the chef is working hard to get you what you want, you are sitting at your table, hungry and waiting, wondering what is wrong with you that you never get what you want. Sometimes, our fears and doubts stop us from committing to a clear goal. And with a changing goalpost, not even the most loving Universe will ever be able to get us what we want. And it will never have anything to do with being deserving. Because we ARE worth. We deserve what we want. We just need to know it.

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