How to practice self-love (with this 14-minute self-care ritual)

So many reasons to hate yourself.

But are your past mistakes really reason enough to abstain from self-love? After all, you are a different person now. You grew, evolved, make better choices. 

And wouldn’t you look past other people’s flaws and shortcomings and still love them regardless? So why can’t you extend the same courtesy to yourself?

Even if nobody in this world loved you or cared for you (which is highly unlikely, by the way, no matter what your mind may tell you), wouldn’t this just be more reason to love yourself? Everybody needs love, right?

So, what’s the real reason why self-love is such a struggle for you?

The true reason why you can’t love yourself

Imagine, you wanted to play the piano.

So, you sit down, with a concerto composed by Liszt and you start playing. But you never played before and your fingers can’t bend into the required positions. The sheet music looks like hieroglyphs. And the whole thing is an ear-numbing disaster.

And, helpful as always, your mind is quick to offer reasons for your fiasco. 

Your hands may be too short, or your fingers too stubby. Maybe the piano is faulty, or the piece of music is impossible to play. Or, most likely, you are just a hopeless loser. Incapable of ever getting anything right.

So, you quit. 

Convinced that you are a failure, you beat yourself up for your incompetence. Determined never to touch another piano again. To avoid the shame, disappointment and embarrassment.

But wait, I hear you say.

You can’t just expect to know how to play the piano if you never learned it. You have to start with “Three blind mice” and work your way up. It takes years of consistent practice and repetition to be able to play like a pro.

And you are right, of course.

If you want to be good at something, you have to keep practicing it. This applies to every new skill from playing an instrument, to riding a bike, driving a car or perfecting a yoga pose.

And self-love is no exception. We have to practice self-love.

Yet, for some odd reason, we think we should be instant self-love pros. And when we aren’t, when our first attempts flop, we start to believe that we are impossible to love. 

When the truth is that we just never learned how to love ourselves.

The disastrous lie about self-love we mistake for the truth

As babies, we instinctively know how to love ourselves. We are born with all the required skills for self-love.

But over the years, we start to neglect this crucial ability. We no longer practice self-love on a regular basis. Because we become too busy learning how to fit into society. And, like with any other skill, if you don’t use it, you lose it.

Until, at some point, we can’t even remember that we were ever able to love ourselves.

We begin to believe that we only deserve love once we fulfil a strict set of criteria. Once we achieved certain milestones and are no longer worthless. 

I will be able to love myself when I have a better job, earn more money, get a qualification. 

I will deserve my own love when I lose weight, find the perfect relationship, correct my mistakes.

The list goes on.

But, let’s be honest. Do you think you will ever be able to reach the standards required?

No, me neither.

Not because you aren’t good enough. But because the criteria are unattainable nonsense. Fictitious poppycock that keeps us stuck in self-condemnation and misery. 

We accepted them as our truth.

But, ultimately, they are irrelevant. Fulfilling random criteria will not increase our ability for self-love.

Because the only thing that will ever be able to help you love yourself is to practice self-love. Every day.

The only way you will ever learn to love yourself

I know you believe that you can’t love yourself. I know you tried before. And you failed.

Now you blame yourself. You beat yourself up. Feel worthless.

But chances are that you never really learned how to practice self-love.

Yes, you dabbled. Tried a few techniques now and then. Attempted some affirmations here and there. Maybe you journaled or meditated for a couple of weeks.

But you quickly felt down-hearted. You didn’t see much progress. Which confirmed your belief that you are irredeemably unlovable. 

And you gave up. Resigning yourself to a loveless existence of self-condemnation.

The thing is though, that you can’t just sit down once every few days to practice your Liszt sonata and expect to play it perfectly within a month. 

It doesn’t work like this.

You have to get the basics right first. Study the notes, get familiar with the keys. Learn the chords until they become second nature. After that, you put them together. Connect the notes and chords to a song.

And then you practice. Practice. And practice some more. For however long it takes.

The same applies if you want to learn self-love.

So, let’s start with the basics.

Self-love pillar #1: Self-worth

Healthy self-worth is the #1 prerequisite for self-love. It’s tough to try and love yourself if you, deep down, believe that you are worthless.

Like with self-love, we make our sense of worthiness dependent on how well we fulfil pre-defined criteria. If we are attractive, successful, wealthy, perfect, we have worth. 

If not, bad luck.

But again, the conditions we put on a worthy existence are society-imposed, arbitrary nonsense. And they are irrelevant.

Because we don’t need to have, earn or gain worth.

We ARE worth. Personified.

Worth is the essence of our Being. An inherent part of our true Self. Worth is who we are, not what we have. As such, we can never be worthless. Or worth less than others.

And what we accomplish, achieve or accumulate makes no difference to our worth. Nor do our failures, mistakes and shortcomings.

Once we realise this, we are on the way to healthy self-worth. To the awareness that infinite worth is within us. 

So, repeat after me: “I AM worth.”

If you would like some help on your journey to realising your true worth, you can sign up to the free “Healthy Self-Worth Starter Kit”. It’s the first, and most important, step to self-love.

Self-love pillar #3: Protection

Most of us are terrible at setting boundaries. We are notorious people-pleasers, desperate to become worthy of love through constant service and self-sacrifice.

We feel guilty when we say “no” to others. Even if saying “yes” means neglecting, torturing or draining ourselves.

We no longer know how to get me-time, how to not be stressed and rush around. We have no time to just rest and enjoy the moment. Or to practice self-love.

But it’s unnecessary. 

We deserve love, here and now. No need to kill ourselves in the futile attempt to prove our worthiness. We ARE worth.

And an important part of self-love is to learn how to prioritise ourselves. Sure, it’s imperative to be kind, compassionate and helpful to others. But it’s never selfish to satisfy our own needs. And it’s vital to have boundaries.

And this doesn't only apply to other people and their demands, it also relates to their energies. 

Have you ever felt fine and then interacted with someone who was surrounded by a cloud of negativity? And suddenly you were angry, fed up or felt down? And you had no idea where these emotions had come from?

That’s because they weren’t your feelings. They were the other person’s energies invading your own energy body. Making you feel like the other person felt.

Which can only happen because you have no defences. So, make sure, that you power up your shields every morning. Put full power to the shields when you interact with others. And generally keep them up throughout the day to only allow positive energies to enter your space.

Self-love pillar #4: An open heart

We’ve all experienced rejection, betrayal and heartache.

And the natural reaction to any such pain is to close our heart. To shut our most vulnerable core off from the world. So, nobody can hurt us ever again.

But, while closing our heart is an automatic response, it leaves us isolated, in darkness. It makes us prone to depression. And cuts us off from other people’s love.

And our own.

So, it’s essential that we counteract it. We must open our heart. Every day. 

To allow in light, joy. And make room for self-love.

If you prefer to listen to the guided meditations for your self-love practice, you can purchase my "Expand Your Consciousness" guided meditation for only $9 and add the "Heal Your Inner Child" guided meditation for only $5. They are specifically designed to guide you gently through the processes described above without the need to memorise it all.

How to practice self-love Part 2: Putting the pieces together

I know what you’re thinking.

Too much information!

If you have to do all of these things every day, you might as well quit your job now. Who has the time, right?

But it’s crucial to be familiar with all the basic pieces before you put them together into a daily ritual to practice self-love.

You won’t use all these pieces every time, like you won’t use all chords and notes every time you play the piano. But you still need to know them all.

So, become familiar with the seven exercises. Practice all pillars of self-love at least two or three times. Do it in your own time, whenever you get a minute (discover how to carve out enough me-time here, in case you struggle).

And then combine the exercises in a way that suits you, your life and your daily schedule. Mix, match, rearrange. Make it work for you. Compose your very own song.

Or use the sheet music I provide for you.

A daily, 14-minute self-care ritual to practice self-love

Below you find the self-love routine I recommend you start with. 

Once you feel comfortable with the individual parts, you can develop your own ritual. Leave parts out, add new things. Whatever your heart desires and your soul requires.

Download your FREE copy of the self-love practice plan as a pdf document.