6 eye-opening reasons why we accumulate clutter (and how to finally let go) - The Self-Worth Experiment

6 eye-opening reasons why we accumulate clutter (and how to finally let go)

By Berni Sewell | Transform your life

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Jun 15
6 reasons why we accumulate clutter (and how to let go)

This is our garage. 

Once upon a time it was a useful room. Venue for enjoyable family snooker matches. Organised tools storage and space to overwinter the garden furniture.

Then, about 9 months ago, I decluttered the house.

Room by room, I discarded junk we hadn’t used in years and items we had four of and only really needed one.

But I couldn’t let go of most of our stuff. I tend to get emotionally attached to lifeless objects and some items were treasured souvenirs of happy times.

Most of it belonged to my husband and I didn’t feel I had right to just bin it. And I didn’t want to waste money by tossing out perfectly good, fit-for-purpose things.

It's fair to say I resisted the idea of parting with our possessions.

So I shifted the problem from one area of the house to another. And now the clutter is mocking me.

Every day I enter the garage, it reminds me of my failure to declutter. It condemns me for my weakness and shames me for the ever increasing chaos, mess and dirt.

I attempted to declutter but the task is so overwhelming, so massive and unmanageable that it is suffocating me. I don’t know where to start, feel anxious at the thought of wading through the mountains of junk and dust.

I know it has to be done. I worry that other people will judge me, I beat myself up for procrastinating. And every time I sit down for a well-deserved rest I feel guilty and embarrassed about the lack of progress. And I constantly think: “I should really declutter the garage”.

It weighs on my mind non-stop. And it made me wonder.

Why do we accumulate so much clutter? Why is it so hard to let go? And what is the best way to ban useless clutter once and for all?

So I did what I do best. I researched.

And here is what I discovered. May it help us both to declutter for a simpler, happier life.

​The #1 reason why clutter keeps invading our homes

​Clutter is sneaky.

It creeps up on us. It hijacks our home when we are distracted and can’t defend ourselves. When we are paralysed by grief after losing a loved one or incapacitated by illness.

It weasels its way in when we are too busy to notice after a new baby arrived or a stressful new job started. And it can instantly swallow our house when we downsize, merge several households into one or inherit a lost relative's possessions.

But the main reason why we keep buying, collecting and hoarding is low self-worth.

​Cluttering as symptom of low self-worth

​Low self-worth has become an epidemic.

Most people are affected by it to some degree. And it causes many common symptoms, such as social anxiety, negative thinking or self-doubt.

As well as compulsive buying, hoarding and cluttering.

You see, our society focusses on materialism, fame, prestige, wealth, competition, achievement and success. It teaches us that we are inherently worthless.

We can earn worth by gaining qualifications, through a thriving career and exceptional beauty, riches or popularity. The more we achieve, the more we own and the more we can afford to buy, the higher our worth in society.

But let’s face it.

Most of us aren’t famous, rich or “very important”. We can’t afford the lifestyle that would make us worthy in society’s eyes. And we never achieved the exceptional greatness and success required to “be somebody”.

So we live with the conviction that we aren’t good enough.

That we should work harder, be better and have more. We feel unworthy compared to others who “made it”. Irrelevant, unimportant, inferior.

And it’s this devastating feeling of worthlessness that causes most of our clutter problems. In six tragic ways.

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This is our garage. Once upon a time it was a useful room. Venue for enjoyable family snooker matches, organised tools storage and space to overwinter the garden furniture.

Then, about 9 months ago, I decluttered the house. Room by room, I discarded junk we hadn’t used in years and items we had 4 of and only needed one.

But I couldn’t let go of most of our stuff. I tend to get emotionally attached to lifeless objects and some items were treasured souvenirs of happy times. Most of it belonged to my husband and it didn’t feel right to get rid of it. And I didn’t want to waste money by tossing out perfectly good, fit-for-purpose things. It's fair to say I resisted the idea of parting with our possessions.

So I shifted the problem from one area of the house to another. And now the clutter is mocking me. Every day I enter the garage, it reminds me of my failure to declutter. It condemns me for my weakness and it shames me for the ever increasing chaos, mess and dirt.

I attempted to declutter but the task is so overwhelming, so massive and unmanageable that it is suffocating me. I don’t know where to start, feel anxious at the thought of wading through the mountains of junk and dust.

I know it has to be done. I worry that other people will judge me, I beat myself up for procrastinating. And every time I sit down for a well-deserved rest I feel guilty and embarrassed about the lack of progress. And I think “I should really declutter the garage”.

It weighs on my mind non-stop. And it made me wonder.

Why do we accumulate so much clutter? Why is it so hard to let go? And what is the best way to ban useless clutter once and for all?

So I did what I do best. I researched. And here is what I discovered. May it help us both to declutter for a simpler, happier life.

 
<h3>The #1 reason why clutter keeps invading our homes</h3>
Clutter is sneaky. It creeps up on us. It hijacks our home when we are distracted and can’t defend ourselves. When we are paralysed by grief after losing a loved one or incapacitated by illness.

It weasels its way in when we are too busy to notice after a new baby arrived or a stressful new job started. And it can instantly swallow our house when we downsize, merge several households into one or inherit a lost relative's possessions.

But the main reason why we keep buying, collecting and hoarding is low self-worth.
<h3>Cluttering as symptom of low self-worth</h3>
Low self-worth has become an epidemic. Most people are affected by it to some degree. And it <a href="https://increasingselfworth.com/61-symptoms-hidden-disease-sabotages-life/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">causes many common symptoms</a>, such as social anxiety, negative thinking or self-doubt. As well as compulsive buying, hoarding and cluttering.

You see, our society focusses on materialism, fame, prestige, wealth, competition, achievement and success. It teaches us that we are inherently worthless. We can earn worth by gaining qualifications, through a thriving career and exceptional beauty, riches or popularity. The more we achieve, the more we own and the more we can afford to buy, the higher our worth in society.

But let’s face it. Most of us aren’t famous, rich or “very important”. We can’t afford the lifestyle that would make us worthy in society’s eyes. And we never achieved the exceptional greatness and success required to “be somebody”.

So we live with the conviction that we aren’t good enough. That we should work harder, be better and have more. We feel unworthy compared to others who “made it”. Irrelevant, unimportant, inferior.

And it’s this devastating feeling of worthlessness that causes most of our clutter problems.

The 6 self-worth related reasons for cluttering

Society convinces us that we are worth more if we possess more.

And it's easy to comprehend how low self-worth will trick us into buying and accumulating in the hope it will increase our worth. But not all self-worth related causes for cluttering and hoarding are so obvious:

  • More possessions mean more worth. Possessions are a sign of wealth. And wealth defines worth. In society’s eyes. So we buy, collect and accumulate possessions to compensate for our feeling of unworthiness. Not because we need more stuff but we long for more worth. We want to feel good enough. And the stuff makes us feel better about ourselves. At least for a moment.
  • Filling the gap. When our self-worth is low, we often feel unacceptable, incompetent, unimportant. We believe that we aren’t capable of following our dreams, finding true love or making a difference in the world. We lack direction. And feel the emptiness that the lack of purpose and affection leaves in our hearts. So, we try to fill it with purchases, goods and merchandise. Because they will make us happy. At least that's what the commercials, ads and billboards promise us.
  • Clinging to the past. We tend to hold on to things that remind us of happier times when we felt more appreciated, deserving and worthy. Keepsakes from a time when we were successful in sports, when our career was thriving. When we weighed less and were younger. They become glorified reminders that we were once good enough. That we had reasons to be proud of ourselves. That we are not a lost cause. And that there is still hope for us to make our life matter.
  • Pleasing other people. Low self-worth tricks us into believing that we are only worthy of other people’s love, respect and appreciation if we please them non-stop. So we don’t dare to say “no” if our mother-in-law offers us her 264-piece porcelain clown collection. We don’t want to upset our partner by throwing out the trillions of cuddly toys that were souvenirs from various business trips. And we can’t get ourselves to tell Auntie Marjory that we don’t need yet another glass vase. And so the clutter grows. Because we don’t want to disappoint others, we want to please them, make them happy. So we can feel worthy of their love.
  • Fear of change. Clutter sucks. It makes us feel anxious, unbalanced and ashamed. But we are used to our cluttered life. We are experts in dealing with it, rearranging our lives around it, no matter how unpleasant it might be. And, in a weird way, it makes us feel safe. Decluttering means change, a move into the unknown. And it terrifies us because, deep down, we believe we aren’t strong enough to cope in different circumstances. And we aren’t good enough to adapt to a new situation.
  • Fear of failure. The whole task of decluttering can be overwhelming. How will we ever get through this massive pile of junk? Where do we even start? Can we actually succeed? Worrying about the enormity of the task causes anxiety. So we choose not to start at all rather than risking failure. Because failure would prove what we feared all along. That we are pathetic losers.

And so the clutter wins. Every time. Sucking us into an endless circle of guilt, shame, self-condemnation and anxiety.

Making things worse than they ever were. 


The vicious cycle of self-worth and clutter

We accumulate clutter to boost our self-worth.

But a cluttered, chaotic environment looks untidy. Cleaning becomes increasingly difficult and we start to feel disgusted with the state of our house.

 Our self-respect suffers and we are too embarrassed to invite guests. The mess drains our energy, leaves us unhappy, joyless, breathless and isolated.

We accumulated our clutter to increase our feeling of worth. But now it is proof of our worthlessness. We aren’t good enough to have our life under control, not strong enough to juggle all the tasks. We hate ourselves for all the clutter and feel useless and inadequate.

The clutter is damaging our self-worth. So we buy more to provide another self-worth boost.

And so it goes on.

But how can we break this cycle? How can we let go of useless stuff, find the strength to tackle the decluttering chore and stop accumulating things we don’t need?

 

The 3 crucial steps to ban the clutter for good

We need to put 3 systems in place if we want to escape the clutter habit:

1. Find the motivation, support and accountability for the decluttering task ahead

Starting an overwhelming task can be almost impossible on your own. Motivation fades rapidly if progress is slow and the job is boring and lonely.

It is therefore imperative to find support. A way to motivate ourselves and keep ourselves accountable. Here are some ideas how we can make the chore easier and ensure we stick with it:

  • Take "before" pictures of every area in your home that needs decluttering. We quickly forget how bad it was and might not realise how much progress we actually made. Frustration with lack of progress is one of the main reasons we give up on decluttering. But if you have the picture to remind yourself of the change, your motivation will increase rather than vanish.
  • Get family members and friends involved, throw a decluttering party, make a game out of it. Do whatever it takes to get some help and make the task more fun.
  • Start or join a declutter support group in your local area for much needed understanding, comfort and accountability. Alternatively, you could find a decluttering Facebook group or forum where you can share your successes, failures and frustrations with people who share your pain.
2. Declutter a small area every day without beating yourself up for lack of progress

Once you’re on your way, it is important to be nice to yourself

Take your time, tackle smaller areas more often. Make a plan, set yourself achievable goals and don’t beat yourself up if things don’t move as quickly as you want.

Even if, after first successes, you catch the decluttering bug, don’t burn yourself out. Slow but steady wins the race.

Give yourself two or three options every day so you can choose the one you fancy most on the day. And plan in catch-up and rest days so you aren’t getting stressed if you fall behind. And don’t need to force yourself to declutter if you really don’t feel like it.

But keep going, be patient, see the difference the disappearing clutter makes in your life. Feel the freedom, the lightness and be proud of yourself.

3. Break the connection between possessions and worth to stop clutter from returning

Yes, we can declutter.

But the clutter will return sooner or later and all your efforts would have been in vain. Because, while we addressed the symptom, we haven’t dealt with low self-worth as the cause.

We need to realise that society’s view of our worth as dependent on our attributes, achievements and possessions is a dangerous misconception. An unfortunate case of global amnesia.

The truth is that we ARE worth personified.

We are born 100% worth and we die 100% worth. What we do in between, how much money we have, how many things we can afford and how much stuff we own does not change anything about our true worth.

It is inherent, infinite and unconditional. You ARE worth, no matter what.

You just forgot all about it. We all did. And it is our task in this life to rediscover the knowledge that our worth is absolute.

No matter what we do, no matter what we have, no matter who we are.

 Whether we own nothing or everything, whether we are rich or poor. Whether our home is spotless or cluttered.

Our worth remains the same. Always.


Embracing a clutter-free life

I’ll be honest.

I am still not looking forward to decluttering my garage. But I can’t wait to have my room back, with all its intended uses. With all the enjoyment, organisation and storage space it used to offer.

I will do it, step by step.

I can cheer myself on, be proud of my achievements, even if they seem tiny. And I can feel the sense of calm, peace and relief increase with every corner, every shelf I clear.

I know I am not alone, I am not the only one who struggles. And it is ok. I am good enough. And the fact that my garage is such a mess doesn’t make me a lesser person. I don’t need to be ashamed.

Because I AM worth.

And so ARE you. I know we can do it.

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Enter your email address below  to grab your FREE "Healthy Self-Worth Starter Kit" which includes:

  • Instant access to an easy 4-step action plan to heal low self-worth in under 5 minutes a day
  • The 7-day "Self-Worth Booster" email course
  • The "Discover your true worth" guided meditation
  • Regular emails and occasional promotions that are relevant to your healing journey.
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  • Mo Green says:

    Bravo Bernie!
    You certainly found the buttons I need to push. Bully for you for being so brave and creatively attuned to your real needs and then finding the way to recreate yourself and your life into that which you deserve.

    I too am at that point in mine–my forward must be without fear of failure. Removing the clutter is synonymous with extracating myself from inertia. Let the adventure continue unabated by what was. I embrace now, what I am to be from this breathe forward.

    Thank you! At 68, I am grateful for what I have lived, for it has made me the story I am compelled now to share. You have inspired me to inspire others in turn. It is all good and only gets better–by choice.

    • Thank you so much, Mo! I couldn’t agree more! Most dreams die from fear of failure. Once we realise that failure (or the perception thereof) doesn’t change our worth, we can move forward without procrastination, self-doubt and fear. I wish you all the best on your journey, with your story and the inspiration you can provide to others!

  • Jeanne says:

    Thank you so very much for writing this! As a perpetual declutterer (I seriously have a gold medal or black belt or some other trophy!), I have been searching for the reason why I am in this continuous loop that I wish to exit. I have become an expert at getting rid of things, sorting, organizing, managing etc. but it seems that it never, ever, ever ends. I keep thinking to myself how could possibly have so much stuff and why? How is it that my neighbors are so neat and tidy and I have all this…stuff???

    When I recently discovered a pair of inline skates that are over 15 years old, that have used once in the past five years, I was shocked! It occurred that I guess in some way, I want to go back the way things were 15 years ago. However, I don’t think that’s really the case at all. Not even a little.

    I think you nailed it, it’s the “security” of having all this stuff. Except, now I am at the point where I feel so secure that the stuff is getting in the way all the time. So, I’m on day 7 (yikes) and while it has been tough at times, it’s finally okay to move on, without all this stuff. And now I know the root of this hoarding…and I am cured. Thank you!!!

    • Thanks so much for sharing your story, Jeanne! I am so happy that you finally feel secure enough to let go of the massive wall of stuff you were hiding behind! This is a huge step! Once you fill the gap in your life (be it lack of love, security or a feeling of worthlessness), there is no need any longer to accumulate clutter for compensation. You are on the right way!! All the very best, Berni

  • Amy says:

    Thank you for writing. I did realize from this piece that part of the clutter is because I put others before myself in litte ways. Little ways like taking brochures from conference tables just to be nice and keeping gifts and things made by other people so I don’t feel guilty about throwing away someone’s hard work or thoughtfullness even though I don’t need it. So according to your article I am really putting their feelings before my own need for space and they probably don’t even think about whether I keep their item or not. I will just have to say, this is a really great scarf, brochure, artwork etc. but I need to take care of myself first and pass it on to another person that might need it more.

    • Hello Amy, thank you so much for sharing your realisation! I found myself in a similar situation as most of our clutter was presents from one well-meaning person. Our living room and garage were filling up with unwanted junk but we felt guilty throwing in all away. At some point we had to confront her, and tell her that we didn’t want or need all of the clutter. It hurt her, and for a while our relationship suffered for it (and we felt guilty). But it was the best thing to do because now she visits without adding to clutter. She brought presents because she felt she was only loveable when she gave, we accepted them to please. It is not a healthy interaction and much better now. But the part in between can be difficult. Still, as you so rightly say, you have to take care of yourself. All the best, Berni

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